Well after some trial and error yesterday I completely gave up on trying to make different xfwm+gtk themes fit. So I just ditched all apps that use gtk3+ and used the tried and classic equinox evolution dawn gtk theme (a bit modified) with matt xfwm. Also after switching icon themes around I just returned to faenza, it's just too complete and consistent. So this is going to be my desktop for a while.
On with the details:
GTK: Equinox evolution dawn (google it)
Icons: Faenza (same)
xfwm: Matt fav.me/d2hvqjk
(it also has an excellent gtk theme, but I didn't use that)
Conky: mod of fav.me/d6jmvvj
If someone wants to actually use this combination: open the gtkrc in the Equinox evolution dawn gtk-2.0 theme folder and scroll down till you see dark stuff, and then change for the menubar the bg to #303030 instead of #333333, or the windecs will almost very nearly not quite fit with the menubars. The rest is pretty much easy to achieve.